I just signed up for Reverb 2010 (http://www.reverb10.com/). I’m a day behind already 🙂 but I hope I can do most of the “assignments” over the next 30 days. Here’s a little blurb on what reverb 2010 is:
“It’s an open online initiative that encourages participants to reflect on this year and manifest what’s next. It’s an opportunity to retreat and consider the reverberations of your year past, and those that you’d like to create in the year ahead. We’re connected by the belief that sharing our stories has the power to change us.”
I’m a little nervous going through a self-reflective process with onlookers but here it goes 🙂
Here is the prompt for today:
December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)
My word is: Searching
Not sure what prompted it, but this was a big year for self-reflection for me. I felt like I was having a mini (early) midlife crisis 🙂 Perhaps it was just lack of sleep (actually I KNOW part of it was lack of sleep 🙂 but I found myself questioning …pretty much everything. There was so much I wanted to do, and be, and I felt suffocated (and impatient) with the fact that the circumstances of the moment had (supposedly)contributed to stifling who I was “supposed” to be. In retrospect, it’s silly really. Everything has a time, and place, and moment, and I just wanted to do everything at once, and I was frustrated and sad that in wanting to do everything, I was doing nothing. The whole thing was neither realistic nor healthy. Looking around me, everyone else just seemed to have it together, seemed to know what they wanted, and doing it, and I was still searching. It made me desperate for change – even if only in attitude, and so my search began. So – I spent a lot of time searching for answers and re-evaluating things – lots of things.
I spent a lot of 2010 soul-searching. Searching for who I was – not the immature, inexperienced part, but the part I missed – the unjaded part – and who I want to be. Searching for my purpose in life. Searching for rekindled spirituality. Searching for God in the big and little. Searching for fulfillment. Searching for contentment – being content with “me” – my physical “me”, my mental “me”, my emotional “me” – embracing my shortcomings, my imperfections, my strengths, my weaknesses. Searching for all the things that would make me a better mother, better wife, better person, better human being. Searching for things that move my heart and liven my soul. Searching for new past-times. Searching for connections and mutual understanding. Searching for true friendships amongst many old ones. Searching for a new career path for whenever that time came. Searching for causes. Searching for a way to touch others. Searching for a way (or new ways) to make those I love – see, feel, KNOW, how much I love them. Searching for patience – with my kids, my life, my surroundings. Searching for challenges – intellectual challenges mostly. I’ve realized how much I missed school, and work, and life pre-Sesame Street and Dora and crayon on the walls 🙂 And searching for a way to accept it – not just logically (which was very easy for me) but in my heart of hearts, knowing full well that for now, it’s what’s best, and it’s temporary and a time will come when I can indulge in those things once again – everything has its time. Searching for a way to let go of those thoughts so they don’t overshadow the blessings I have at the moment – the time I have with my children while they still want to spend time with me 🙂 Searching for a way to let go of the worry and the anxiety – letting go of past pains, past mistakes, past choices, accepting things I cannot change – hardships, illnesses, etc.and not worrying about things that are in God’s hands. Searching for a way to accept that my efforts are good enough – that I can’t be perfect, and that even though so many others look like they have it together and all “figured out”, they are probably as insecure as I am. Searching of a way to let go of the sickness that makes me sometimes gauge my self-worth through how others may see me (or how I rightly or wrongly perceive others may see me). Searching for a way to control my ego. Searching for a way to let go of the material, and value what it truly worth valuing. Searching for a way to be more conscious of my blessings as a means of nurturing my soul. Sometimes even searching for things that sometimes will never have an answer 🙂
One word for 2011? Contentment