so 3’s a charm I suppose 🙂 On August 10th, 2011, on the 10th day of Ramadan, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy alhamdu lillah…my 3rd boy :). Sufian Ahmed Naiem 🙂
Needless to say, up until that moment, I was thoroughly, utterly petrified. I tried not to think about it by busying myself (perhaps too much), but the night before my scheduled delivery, I panicked. Every fear I had when I first found out I was pregnant, and suppressed as best as I could for the last 9 months, came back to haunt me – The fatigue, the nursing- God the nursing! – those first few weeks make everything else look like a walk in the park! the lack of sleep, how the surgery would go, the recovery, how the other boys will react/adjust, how would I do it with 2 other crazy boys, especially as the new school year comes upon us – new school, new teachers, new baby – big adjustments.
Then, add to that, you’re inundated with all that’s wrong with the world on a daily (hourly?) basis. After a while, ALL you can think about is how you will manage to raise 3 boys with some sense of self and deen, and self respect…and respect for others (and if I’m lucky enough, maybe some table manners as well :)). I cannot tell you how, but all these things, and more, overcame me at once, and I was basically paralyzed by the fact that I don’t really have a choice in the matter. This little guy is coming out whether I’m ready or not.
It wasn’t until I saw him that I felt a sense of relief. It’s amazing how quickly you can be consumed with love for someone you’ve just met – just laid eyes on for a fraction of a moment. You fall in love for all the typical clichéd reasons – yes they are a part of you, a piece of you, for being a part of the ‘miracle’ that is childbirth. No one can deny that of course. But for me – it was a moment, however brief, of really connecting with my Creator. Being in the presence of absolute purity – absolute innocence. It’s overwhelming when you realize what exactly that means. Absolute. From that moment on…the outside world takes over, for better or for worse. But for those few moments – you’re witnessing Greatness in it’s most beautiful, simple form. And in that precise moment, you find ease and contentment. Yes, it’s quickly over-shadowed as the nausea from the anesthesia overcomes you 🙂 but it’s in these moments we find reminders, reassurance – contentment.
I won’t lie, I’ve panicked and cried since. I came home to 2 little boys with stomach viruses, and had my moments of self-doubt. I’ve been overwhelmed, sometimes I’m STILL overwhelmed, and I’m sure that will come and go in the weeks to come. But in those brief moments, Allah (swt) inexplicably gave me what I needed to carry me through whatever is to come iA. Somehow I just felt better – and knew that on some level iA all would be ok…
So, welcome to this world Sufian. You are a reminder of all that is good and pure and beautiful. You are a pathway to my Creator – a reminder that absolutes do exist in this dunia – even if ever so briefly.